Hope

Why does hope always bring me down? I hate hope. Everything about it. Esperanza es una mentira. Hope is a lie. It's a lie you tell to yourself, so that maybe you will one day be happy. Hope is horrible. It caused me a lot of pain in my life. I hope you don't read this, but I know you will. See? Hope sucks.

Radiohead and Manu Chao

Went to my first mega-huge concert yesterday. It was sick. Although I really like punk and most of its sub-genres, I still enjoy listening to other types of music such as Radiohead, Beck, and Manu Chao. Unfortunately, I was unable to see Beck because he was playing at the same time as Manu Chao and I must say I am a bigger fan of Manu Chao than Beck, but it was still disapointing. The concert was badass though. My sister and I got there hella early and moved up to the front. The barricade was about 80ft away from the stage and the stage was super high. It was weird to see something like that. It didn't feel right. You know? Anyway, we watched Steel Pulse which was cool, but I don't think I was in the mood for that. Too slow. And then Manu Chao came on. The crowd was crazy for him. He did an amazing set. He definitely as good, if not better, in person as he is on his album. My sister and I were pushed even closer to the front during his set because some asshole was being obnoxious and pushing everyone around. But, now my sister was one person away from being in the front. After Manu Chao's set, we waited 45 minutes to see Radiohead. There was this one lady who had to be pulled out of the crowd. I think she was overdosing because when I saw her, her lips were purple, her skin was pale, and her eyes were rolled back into her skull. It was sad because the whole time she was talking about how much she wanted to see Radiohead. And then, my sister stepped on some guy's ecstasy pill. HAHAHA! That was really funny actually. He told my sister jokingly that she owed him $20. She apologized and he told her it was ok because he just ate shrooms so he should be fine for Radiohead. HAHA! Then, people started fighting really hard to get to the front. I was one person away and really content with my spot despite the occasional sway from the tall guy in front of me. Radiohead was AMAZING. I love that band and seeing them live was even cooler. I will never forget the lights and Thom York dancing. HA! He is super short! Sometime in the begining of the set, the guy in front of me moved to the back of me and I snatched his spot. I was right in front! It was super cool. It was an amazing 2 hour set that just seemed to fly by! I love Radiohead and I want to see them again someday. Maybe next time they will play "Creep."

All My Dreams...

So, I really want to go back to Havasu Falls. It was probably one of the most beautiful places I have ever been to. It was an amazing experience to hike 10 miles from the top of the Grand Canyon down to the campground and the falls. It was incredible. I have never been so awestruck in my life. Just the beauty that was all around me; the waterfalls in the middle of the Grand Canyon. How could anything be more perfect? What could ever achieve that level of perfection? The drinking water was disgusting, but everything else was so amazing. I want to go back. So, my plan is, next year I am going back in the summer. I have not been back in 5 years. I miss that tranquility. I miss being able to sit down and hear the water crashing onto the rocks. I miss the red dirt below my feet and the water that cooled me down during those long summer days. I miss nature. I feel like I need to get away from cars, computers, cities, and technology for awhile and just have food, a tent, water, and a book for awhile. There is nothing more calming than being by yourself in nature. It always feels like you are small and just a minuscule dot amongst greater things. I don't mean "god," but I do mean nature. There is no greater feeling than that.

I miss it. I think it clears my mind. Just thinking about it clears my mind. It makes me think past drama, the bullshit, the expectations, the preconceptions, and the "how-it-should-be's" and lets me think about reality. Reality without the scrutiny. Reality without the expectations. Reality without outsiders. It allows me to look at true reality. It makes me feel great, because then I can see what I really want without people telling me what I should want. And then, I look past what everyone wants for me and follow what I want for myself and that's how I live my life and I will never live it differently. I would rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I'm not.

I don't know how to end this blog, but...

I love life.

College is Expensive....

Books are going to cost me over $350. Ridiculous. How am I going to be able to continuously afford this??? I guess I got to start applying to more scholarships, because this is getting to be ridiculous. Not to mention the fact that I've got to spend $8.20 4 times a week to get to my classes and another $7.60 about 5 Saturdays to volunteer at the free clinic. I have no problem with doing the volunteer work, it's just that school is going to be really expensive for me. Working isn't going to cover all my costs either. I have to pay my mother $680 for running a red light about 10 months ago. That's where all my money is going. I hate money. I hate everything about money. It is disgusting and it shouldn't have this much control over my life, but it does. Money is awful. I can't believe I have to pay thousands of dollars in order to get a degree to be a teacher. I have to pay money in order to be able to get paid later in life. Sick cycle. I will never be free of money and the debts it's going to bring into my life. All I want to do is be a high school history teacher. That is my dream. But, it requires me to get a degree and go through a certification process. After I am done with my bachelors degree, I want to go for my masters so that I can be even more certified to do the job that I really want to do. It's going to suck. I got to spend money in order to eventually make money doing what I love. This is going to suck, but that's the educational system for you. That's life. La puta vida.

Last Night....

Bumbklaatt cancelled the show very last minute last night. A good 50 people showed up. Most of them I knew. I want to thank them for supporting me!!! You guys are badass... It was fun. I thoroughly enjoyed the show and kicking it with my friends. Thanks to everyone who came out and supported the bands. You gotta support the smaller bands too, because they might be as popular as some other bands some day... or at least give them a chance.

Thanks!

Sick shows...

There are going to be two sick shows at Gilman this weekend. One of them, yours truly booked (Bumbklaatt). You guys should all come out and check out the badassness that is a UGZ show, aswell. UGZ Presents always books amazing shows that never fail to be interesting and musically great! Support UGZ and the bands! Basically, just come out for both days! You won't regret it.

Recently, I have learned a lot about people and attitudes. I am guilty for a lot of shit talking and I admit to it. I shit talk a lot about bands and sometimes people. But, I also know that a lot of people do that aswell. It doesn't make it right, but I know that I can and will say what I want to people's faces with no hesitation. Anyway, I don't feel so bad shit talking, but I fucking hate it when people claim they don't talk behind people's back but do so anyway just so that they may seem righteous. I have had to deal with those kinds of people many times in my life and I am sick of it. I am sick of having someone say nice things to my face, but shit talk behind my back. I am sick of people doing that to my friends too.

I make a lot of mistakes. A lot of mistakes. I will admit to all of them. I don't try and hide things anymore from people and I can't physically lie anymore. (I actually got really bad at lying, so if you think I am lying when I talk to you, I most likely am... just call me out). I can't keep a straight voice or face when I lie. I've fucked up a lot in my life. But, I have had a lot of people try and fuck with me. I have had people who I have been very close to say hurtful things to me and to my friends. I have had people threaten me (just check the myspace bulletins hahaha). But, I have found my real friends. I have friends who have been in my life for 5 years and some that I only met in February. But, I know those people are here for me, because despite me embaressing them, fighting with them, not seeing them often, or falling out with them a few times, they have remained my friends. I don't need negativity in my life. I don't need people who are two-faced.

This is not a public slap in the face over the internet, because this is not about one specific person in case someone is wondering... although it does apply to her aswell. Call me out. Fuck with me. Threaten me. Kick my ass. Tell everything you know about me to the world. I don't care because I am beyond caring. I love the family (de alma) I have now. I love the family (de sangre) that has not left me behind because I am different. And that is all I need.

The Night We Met...

I got my septum pierced yesterday. It started off with Cassondra working while I was being lazy and lying in bed and then eventually getting my ass up to go to a clinic. Well, after I went to the clinic and Cassondra got off work we met up and she handed me a job application. This application was to one of the funniest places in the world to work at. Hot Topic. Could you imagine me working there? I get to work at a store that epitomizes the capitalist obsession of tapping into every group and trying to make a profit, even in the underground. Erg. Super lame.

Anyway, after eating the most amazing vegan ice cream at a yuppie place and filling out my application, we decided to make the long and tiresome descent to Telegraph Ave. There, I dropped off my application and attempted to make conversation with the guy working the register, but he promptly stapled my resume and application together and went about doing more important shit like picking his nose or something.

Then, we walked down to Moe's (badass bookstore) and looked for a LITTLE BOOK! for Cassondra. It was quite fun. The LITTLE BOOKS! were a little expensive, but too good to be true. Those LITTLE BOOKS! were super cool. Then, we looked at the Anarchist literature and promptly decided that being a mother that wears combat boots would be badass.... Except not really because kids suck. Then, I found my favorite book in the world, How to Talk Dirty in Foreign Languages. Oh, that book makes me laugh. I wish I could still remember how to say, "Nice legs, at what time do they open?" in French. Oh, that would make me super happy.

After kicking it in Moe's for like an hour, we went to get something to drink at a coffee shop. Cassondra, I think, charmed the barista because he gave her a free frappe or some shit like that. As we were sitting and talking, Cassondra came up with the idea that I should go and get my septum pierced because we really didn't do anything that day. So, I went and got it done. She had jewelry, so I used hers and now my septum is pierced. Sweet shit!

After that we decided to have a movie night at my house because we couldn't find a ride to Hazmats for the show there. So, we went to the movie rental place and rented 5 movies. We came to my house and at first we were on the computer and looking through my records. I realize that I may not have a lot of records, but I do love what I have. They are badass and fucking rule. Anyway, then we were going to watch Mulholland Dr., but I fell asleep. 15 minutes into the movie, though, I was woken up to my phone ringing and a friend of mine drunk and telling jokes. It was quite funny. Then, we listened to music and went on the internet and decided to watch a different movie, My Cousin Vinny because I thought it would keep me awake because it was supposed to be funny. But, then I got another phone call 15 minutes into the movie and again, we listened to a friend of mine tell us jokes. It was funny.

In the end, I fell asleep watching that movie too and movie night was a failure. Oh well. But, it was fun and I had fun kicking it with my homegirl, Cassondra. Sweet shit.

Later

♥