Reflections...

Because I'm the most retarded girl ever, I will tell you my reflections about this year.

I can't remember much before June. I think June was a start of a whole new me and a whole new life and stuff. Not sure. Anyway, the first part of the year was filled with good stuff from what I remember.

This year started off with me in Guatemala with one of my best friends in the whole entire world. I love him to pieces and everything felt right when I spent the first minute of 2008 with him!

I was really happy.

In August of 2007, I was asked to be part of the Thursday Night Booking crew at Gilman. We didn't book shows, but we did book community events and acoustic performances. It wasn't really my thing. Then, I got asked to do actual booking in early 2008. I think in January. I worked for a real long and hard time and finally had my first show on April 11. Blackfire canceled that show, but I didn't care because the bill was amazing. 311 people showed up that night!

Spead Trials in March was amazing too. We made tamales and the bands ruled. I was with good friends and really happy.

Extreme Noise Terror show was really fun! That was the night that some people found out that I drink. I drank with Carlos and some of his homies. That was an interesting night.

Of course, there were other big shows. There was the Pinhead Gunpowder show. Hella people and I was making fun of all the star struck fans of GreenDay that were on their nuts. Rivalry Records Showcase was fun and super funny. Those were all before June. It was fun.

Besides shows, I had met Cassondra for the first time. Little did I know that she was actually going to become one of my best friends.

Then came June and everything was a little different. The Tragedy show brought about the first time that I went into Pyramid and was able to drink a beer at the bar. Carlos and I shared a pitcher. I have since done that several times now since I've figured it out. That same night England and I were drinking everywhere. Hahaha... I was a little drunk.

The week after was my graduation from high school. That was a good weekend. Graduating with honors in English was sick. That same weekend I stayed out and ate hotdogs with England until 3am and the next night I went to Dublin to see a crappy show. I passed out in the bathroom before I got to see my friend's band and well, they couldn't find me for an hour.

The next weekend, was the MDC night. That was a cool show. I thought it was an ok show, but I also thought that hanging out with Cassondra was sick. It was the first time both of us really bonded. Best part was eating hotdogs after the show! Big things happened that night. I don't think I could ever forget it.

The Leftover Crack show was the show in which everyone was wasted except me who was drunk at the beginning and was the first one to sober up and drive people home. Yup. I don't have a license either.

The Fourth of July show I got completely wasted and missed the show because I threw up. The next day was Tidal Wave. It was super hilarious. Burritos and #2. I had to yell at some guy who kept trying to convince Cassondra to do porn that day. Then, it was the Limp Wrist show I helped book. After the show I did some stupid shit, but whatever. It was fun.

The whole summer went by in such a blur. I remember seeing Skarp and meeting cool people there. I remember at the Limp Wrist show I met tons of people. I remember so much. I remember the Ramen show with the fire works. I remember my failed show at Balazo where I lost $250. I remember the night before that. I remember late night phone calls. I remember so much and so little at the same time. I remember being picked up on Shattuck and going to the Berkeley hills. I remember the food. I remember the conversations. I remember hating people. I remember the fights. I remember everything! It was a great summer.

Then, fall came. School started. Stress started. But, I went to art exhibits and met more and more people. I got my first tattoos. I spent more and more time with my friend Marinda and met so many people at school. I made a lot of mistakes in the fall. I think I made really big ones that I am almost regretting. I try to never regret though... I sorted felt depressed and came to horrible realizations during this time. Feelings of rejection came up in me. That's no fun to experience. But, it's all part of growing up.I've become a different person. Well, not so much different, but I grew up.

I was voted into being Co-Head of Booking at Gilman. I met even more people. I went to Latino Fest. I went to so many shows. I went to see Vitamin X. I passed out and threw up in my friends car. I felt like I was going to die one night. I got bloody noses. Night time car rides were different. I had coffee with my friend almost everyday. I ate powdered donuts. I quit being vegan (part of my new year thing is to go back to being vegan. I get sick too much and it's not good for me). Celebrating Yun-yun's birthday with her is always a highlight for me!

I fucked up a lot this year, but I think the good outweigh the bad. I had a good year. Everything has changed. I used to be good friends with a few people and now they're either gone or we're drifting apart. Some of those people I don't mind being gone from my life and I don't mine drifting apart from. Others I am really sad about. I am torn that people that I felt close to at one point in my life and earlier this year are acting weird around me or we just don't talk in general. Life goes on. This was a good year and I think next year will be better! Next year will be amazing! I'm going to start it off right!

♥

2008 was Great!

1) DRINK​ING BUDDY​ OF THE YEAR?​
Cassondra, England, Carlos! My drinking homies!

2) LIFET​IME SERVI​CE AWARD​?​​
Cassondra

3) NEW COMER​ AWARD​-​ COOLE​ST NEWES​T FRIEN​D?​​
Cassondra... I met her in February! I have tons of cool new friends though!

4) HIGH POINT​ OF THE YEAR?
Summer was the best time of my life!

5) LOW POINT​ OF THE YEAR?​​
There were a few.

6) BEST HOLID​AY?​​
4th of July was cool.

7) YOUR SONG FOR 2008:​
Stress Builds Character by Dystopia
Just because I couldn't stop listening to it for a whole month!

8) MOVIE​ FOR 2008?​
Lots!

9) BEST KISS OF 2008?​
I was drunk, I vomited, and then the guy kissed me. It's a funny story.

11) WHO DID YOU SPEND​ VALEN​TINES​ WITH?​​
I can't even remember.

12) WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLO​WEEN?​​
I was nothing because I suck.

13) RESTA​URANT​ OF THE YEAR?​​
Al's Big Burger

14) BOOK OF THE YEAR?
CHOKE!!!!!!!!!

15) BEST DECIS​ION MADE THIS YEAR?
I don't make good decisions.

16) WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS​ FOR NEXT YEAR?​​
Go to school. Book shows. Move out.

17) MOST STUPI​D IDEA WHEN DRUNK​?​
Making my move on a guy when he wasn't feeling it.

18) TV SHOW OF THE YEAR?​​
HOUSE!!!!!!

19) MOST LOYAL​ FRIEN​D OF 2008?​​
Cassondra.!.

20) BIGGE​ST CHANG​E OF THE YEAR?​​
I graduated from high school

21) BIGGE​ST douch​ebag AWARD​?​​
She knows who she is.

22) NEW YEAR RESOL​UTION​?​​
Be happy.

23) MOST MEMOR​ABLE momen​t for 2008?​​
Certain shows including MDC night. Fuck. There are too many! I have so many memorable moments that were both good and bad. Can you imagine the shit that happened? FUCK! =) I loved this year!

Things change...

And for the first time in about 2 months, I am happy. I mean, I am usually happy, but I'm happy in a different way. It's hard to explain. Things were weird for awhile and I wasn't sure what to do. But, I saw the big picture and felt no pain in my stomach, felt no jealousy, felt no regret, felt no rejection. I, for the first time, felt nothing but happiness. A little nostalgia, but mostly happiness. I am happy.

It's so nice.

Fuck Work!

Written at 5:14pm

I’m sitting at work right now. My boss called me today to tell me that he wanted to “let me go” if I didn’t start working hard enough. Maybe he should take a good long look in the mirror first. I’m doing his job. Ridiculous! I am sick of this job. I had an anxiety attack at work. My heard was racing, I was short of breath, I felt dizzy, and I just couldn’t think straight. It’s not like my job is that hard, it’s just boring and a pain in the ass. It’s really hard to relax. I want to jump out of my skin and kill myself simultaneously. It sucks. It seemed like a bigger deal an hour ago.

Now, we are listening to some racist hating on Arabs and Muslims on the radio. Where am I? I just want to leave, but I need money. This sucks. This guy is a homophobe and an idiot. I can’t believe I’m listening to this bullshit. Eh…

I’m having one of the worst days ever. At least I’m writing and my nerves are calmed again. It’s too much to handle. Life, I mean.

I think this asshole on the radio is a rich white guy “speaking for” the lower and middle class white people. Fuck him. He’s xenophobic. Ew. I think the show is called “Savage Nation.”
I guess I should go back to work. I only had two ten minute breaks today. Fuck!

♥
Alejandra

Oh how things have changed.

This is a picture of me when I was around... I'm think thirteen years old. Can you believe that? Fuuuuuuuck.
I feel like things have changed drastically for me appearance-wise and well, everything else. My taste in music is different. Well, okay, not drastically different, but I'm sure you know what I mean. Look at those stupid eyebrow rings I have. I still have the scars to prove that they were there. HAHAHA! Oh man.....
I remember that in those days I drank too much and started popping too many pills. Holy Shit! I don't think I'd smoked pot yet. Holy shit. Ok, so in this picture I was actually "straight edge" at the time. I wanted to stop drinking, but I don't know what happened. I think I was vegetarian too. HAHA! Ok, maybe life isn't so different. But, man, those days seem so far away yet I remember them so clearly. I remember my first pill. Adderall. I remember that day so clearly. Then, I remember the ritalin and then the tweak. Damn. And then the sleeping pills to make myself sleep again. Oh and smoking lots and lots of pot. Those days are long gone. Fuck dude.

But, things are different now. I traded the eyebrow rings for a nose piercing, then for stretched ears, and then for a septum piercing. I was a vegan just this August. I was straight edge just last year. Things change. People change. I don't do drugs at all. Nothing. 100% clean in that department. I just drink occasionally. That's just what I do. I eat meat because I like it and drink because I like it.
I look a little different. I mean, I still have a baby face, but I think I look a little different. Not sure. Hahaha... I'm not so hard headed in my political views either. I'm not as violent. I'm not as shy (even though I am pretty shy still). I changed friends. I changed my life. I'm different. It's kinda cool.

It's funny that I write this narcissistic blog after I wrote about people with low self-esteem being narcissistic. Eh... Oh well. This blog is about me and stuff about me. HAHAHA! Fucking lame, but when will anyone listen to me in reality?

Did you know...

Did you know that low self-esteem is thinly masked by narcissism?

Have you noticed that the girls with the lowest self-esteem are the most narcissistic girls you ever met? Have you noticed that all those girls love to pamper themselves and stare at themselves in the mirror? Weird. Well, only some of them act that way.

On another related note, I have mentioned before on a blog that I wrote on my myspace about sexism, that I find eating disorders upsetting when children have them, but not when adults or teenagers have them. I know that I may sound a little bit evil at this point, but I will explain why.
People in third world countries who are starving to death don't have the luxury to think about how "beautiful" and skinny they look, they are too busy struggling to survive!

I find that really weird. I really do hate this society's so-called "diseases." It disgusts me. How dare people who have everything think they need to starve themselves in order to be beautiful. I am sorry if I offend you, but eating disorders are first world "diseases." Only the rich can afford to do that to themselves. Straight up!

Loves,
Ale

I hate this movie.

Life is but a box of fucking chocolates. You go through all the options that you have available to you: dark chocolate, chocolate with chile, chocolate with almonds, etc. You search through the giant box. Some are delicious, but not what you really want and some are disgusting. Some you have never tried before and others you can’t get enough of. And in the end, you hope that you got enough chocolate and that the last one is the sweetest.

Life is like a fucking box of chocolates. Maybe the idiot in Forest Gump was right about that. This is my take on the supposed wisdom from that horrible movie.

I am disgusting.

Really I am. I promise you.

Fuck! I have a lot of gross images passing through my mind.

Pretty gross.

Sick Of It All

This flyer seems to be controversial at Gilman. Carlos Antagony made it for his show on Dec. 27th. There is a rule at Gilman that says that bookers can’t book their own band. They have to get another booker to put their name on the show so that they can put their own band on the show. My name is on the board. To most idiots in the world, they think I booked this show.

So, a few people come up to me and tell me how that flyer is sexist or inappropriate. How is it inappropriate? I get guys coming up to me and telling me it’s a sexist flyer. A MALE coming up to me, a FEMALE, telling me it’s a sexist flyer. It’s almost as if they are saying that I should be offended by this girl showing nipples and panties. I’m not. If you are that uncomfortable with the female body, why don’t you just hide in your little dream world of covering up women from head to foot so they can’t be “exploited” by Carlos Antagony and the rest of men like him. Bullshit. Really, it’s a bunch of bullshit.

What makes me angrier is the fact that some people who don’t even volunteer at this club felt that they had to voice their opinions about the flyer by drawing over them with feminist symbols and other shit. Really? Are you that immature? Why don’t you come up to me and we’ll discuss it or go up to Carlos. Carlos worked very hard on that flyer and Gilman spent money on printing them. Really. I cannot believe this. If you want to make a statement, print your own flyer and draw all over them instead of drawing all over the ones that Gilman paid for printing and someone worked very hard on. The level of maturity at this club astounds me. I feel like I’m back in middle school sometimes.

I really am tired of people giving the booking department shit. We make the money at the club. I think we deserve more respect than what we are receiving right now. Why are you talking shit about bookers that end up paying for Gilman’s rent? I understand that all departments are necessary at Gilman, but I feel like people love to criticize the booking department to no end and it’s not fair. I know there have been some people at Gilman that have talked shit about how I book shows. I don’t mind that so much as I mind the fact that they are saying all this behind my back and not to my face. It upsets me when I hear things like that from people that I generally like personally (others I don’t really like at all). I don’t even receive most of the criticisms.

Anyway, I think the point of this was to express that I hate the fact that some parts of Gilman are ultra-PC. Well, not so much that (because I do value most people’s opinions) than the fact that people’s maturity levels are so low that they have to draw on flyers that a booker worked really hard on or talk shit behind someone’s back. I thought I left middle school and high school. I guess not. I guess the punk scene is the same.

The Whipping Boy Of The Family.

I've had knives held up to my throat by my mother.
I've been kicked and beaten with belts by my father.
I took everything from everyone there.

He told me it was because I was meek.
Then, he told me, I changed.
I am overly aggressive.

I am the fucking toilet of the family.

My best friends!

My best friend, Cassondra, is amazing. She has her flaws just like I have mine, but her love and passion is intense and something to be cherished.

My other best friend, Yun-yun, is amazingly amazing! She has her flaws, but she is funny and her smile beams and lights up dark days.

My other best friend, Luis, is equally amazing. He has flaws, but his whole self is so amazing! I love him so much and I love that he has strong convictions!

I love my best friends so much!!!!

No Comment Discography 87-93

I post, for you, the No Comment Discography. It's simple to download. It should work fine. Let me know if it doesn't. No Comment is brutal. They are one of the fastest powerviolence bands to ever come about. Really, everyone should check them out!



Download Here

Age Is More Than A Number

I got an e-mail today that said:
"you should get younger friends.. not old assholes like me"
I came to the sudden realization that I am young. I cannot move on past my initial thoughts. I am in no way mature. I am a 19-year old girl from the East Bay that really doesn't do shit but fuck around with my life. Look at my friends around me? They are all older. I have a few friends my age, but I can't relate to many people my age. That doesn't make me any older than my current age. That doesn't make my mentality older. I remember waking up one day and a friend telling me, "You are older than most girls your age. You are more mature than your friends." How can that be true? My innocence rules my life. I have been through so much in my life, but my innocence remains intact. I am not like the people I hang out with. I am different. I am still a child. I am still taken aback by situations that no longer faze my mature counterparts. My sense of humor is immature. They way I deal with my emotions is immature. I see people around me that can say how they are feeling to people and I can't. I either act with hostility toward them or I try my hardest to remain civil and end up being probably one of the most passive aggressive people you could ever meet. I am not mature. I am young. I no longer see age as a thing of no importance. It has all the meaning in the world.

A Question.

Could dreams by my demise? They give me unfounded hopes and express my real desires.

Dreams scare me. I had a horrible nightmare last night that left me shaking and in cold sweats. That wasn't a dream with hopes and desires, but it did scare me to no end.

Most of my dreams make me really happy. I feel like everything is going well in them. Then, I wake up thinking that it's reality, but it's not and I'm left with a feeling of despair that my preferred reality must only remain in my subconscious.

However, there are dreams that make me realize certain things in my life. I had an epiphany, as some would say. It was interesting. It makes me realize that there are certain things in my life that are good that I thought were horrible. It makes me happy.

Last night I had all three dreams. Nightmares, Hope Dreams, and Happy Dreams.
Could dreams be my demise?

New Ink!!!!

Part two of my giant tattoo!

It looks better in real life!

Bummed.

Super upset that I couldn't make it to my best friend's first show that she ever booked. Super upset. I really wish I was there. I loves her a lot. She's my dream boyfriend, if she were a guy. HAHA! I'm going to get to see her tomorrow! I'm so excited to have her be there for my tattoo!!! I loves Cassondra muchly! According to someone, we're like Thelma and Louise... Funny.

♥

Smile Like You Mean It

My selfish attitudes toward life sicken me. Consumerism and my own problems control my being. How can I think only of myself when millions are suffering all around the world? How can I feel as though the world is falling apart around me when it isn't? My world is wonderful. I feel so fortunate to have friends and family who love me and care about me. What more could I want in this world? Well, I know what I want, but it's selfish and unfair. It's unfair for me to impose my feelings and beliefs on others. It's selfish to want unnecessary products to make me happier. It will never make me happier.

Life is shit. Life is hell. But, my life is less shitty and less hellish than others. I should be happy to have the problems faced before me because it could be worse. I could have no food to appease my hunger. I could have no roof over my bare head. I could have no water to quench my thirst. My friends and family could be non-existent. I could have nothing like this. I am so fortunate.

So, for the first time in a long time, because of this realization, I'm going to smile like I mean it.

New Tattoo This Weekend.

In yo face, foo!
I'm gonna get a skull and crossbones inspired tattoo on my ankle.
It's going to have a cupcake with a frosting spatula and rolling pin crossed underneath it next to my "bake or die" tattoo...
I can't wait!
It's gonna be expensive, but worth it.
FUUUUUUCK YES!

Bands that piss me off...

...But, I still listen to.
There are only one or two of these at the moment.
Resist And Exist used to be on this list, but I think I got tired of all the Anarcho-bullshit genre. I find that band hypocritical and fucked up. I am still in great shock that they continue to associate themselves with (in)famous gang members.
Onto the list:

1. Anal Cunt - If you know me, then you should be very surprised by this. Musically speaking this band is fucking sick. Just take a look at their lyrics and prepare to be offended. Just look up any Anal Cunt song. It's pretty fucked. I think I have gone beyond being shocked by stupid bullshit. I know plenty of people who listen to Anal Cunt and I don't see them being homophobic, sexist, anti-semitic, or racist. I think that the only reason this band is around, is because of the shock and the obvious 'fuck you' that they blatanly shout is people's faces. It's fucked up, but really good!
2. C.U.N.T. - This band is a self-proclaimed pornogrind band with extremely sexist lyrics. It's not with the disgusting vocals that make me want to physically vomit, it's more of a band with regular grind lyrics with shitty topics about eating out girls that are on their periods and how this one girl is a cunt. I really want to see them tonight in SJ, but I don't know if I can. I want to see if this band can live up to my expectations.

In yo face, foo!

write up of observations while drinking bitch drinks.

Jealousy is a dangerous thing. I have been very observant in how couples react with eachother and with people around them. The males seem to have a very controlling attitude toward the relationships and women feel the need to assert that they are to be considered the most beautiful to their partner. The women want to put blinders on their men so they have tunnel vision and all they see is she. The men want to put women on leashes so that they can never stray too far to talk to another potential mate.

Of course this is all generalizing. This is never going to be the case with every couple, but I have noticed the above attitudes frequent my friends' relationships and I can't talk from experience, because my love life is at nothing and has been for quite some time now.

Anyway, I find that observation rather strange. I saw it at Burnt Ramen when a friend of mine was walking around talking to all her guy friends because she hadn't seen them in a long time. Her boyfriend would walk up to her when she was having a conversation with her friends and put a protective arm around her, almost marking his territory. It was rather strange and quite animalistic.

Yet, there are paradoxes in these actions. I have met several couples where there is one person who cheats. They will claim to love their partner, but the attraction to others is too compelling to ignore or they get their sexual satisfaction from the other person. It's odd because they will feel jealousy toward others that they see their partner talking to. It's really odd. I have seen it in high school and outside of high school.

Again, not everyone is like that. I have seen couples that have never cheated on eachother. It's quite odd as well. I guess their love for one another is stronger than their animalistic desires.

I find it really funny that sex is such a big part of everyone's life. Love and sex. They are both separate and intertwined.

You can love someone deeply and never have sex with him or her. It's possible and I've seen it happen before.

You can have sex with someone and never fall in love with him or her. I've seen it happen before.

You can have sex with someone and remain friends. You know, a ‘friends with benefits’ thing. They maintain friendly feelings toward one another with no commitment; also known as ‘fuck buddies’. However, that can end up either well or really nasty or both. I've seen it before.

You can start off not loving the person that you're having sex with and end up loving them in the end.
You can love the person and decide to remain abstinent until your wedding night to consummate your love for one another. It is rare, but I know of a few people who have done that.

I find it funny. Relationships, I mean. They are so sociologically interesting. I have never studied people's relationships with one another. I just observe. Purely non-fact based observations. It would be interesting to do a paper on this subject though. I find the matters of relationships so interesting because they are not as simple as I have laid it out right now. They are so complicated and difficult. There are matters of public perceptions, economic stability or lack there of, fidelity, commitment, love for another, monogamy, polygamy, etc. It is so wonderfully abstruse.

Personally, relationships scare me. Too much trust in one person frightens me beyond no end. But, then again, who am I to talk about relationships when I had but one and it was shit anyway? Observations are my only basis for the formation of my opinions.

I think this enough for my Thanksgiving post. It has nothing to do with Thanksgiving. It was inspired by my mother and step-dad's relationship. It's funny.... And cute.

I want another bitch drink (mimosa).

♥

I dreamt of...

I dreamt of humans being impaled. It was brutal.
Then I woke up.
I dreamt of my seat belt being unfastened while driving down an empty freeway and a man looking straight into my eyes as he was driving. It was frightening.
Then I woke up.
I slept with blackness before me. It was finally peaceful.
Then I woke up.

My dreams scare me. I love them.

Stress Builds Character by Dystopia

I am so tired,
Sometimes I feel so tired,
I can't eat I can't sleep.
So tired.
The pressure builds and builds.
Seems like theres no release.
The things I see go unnoticed by some.
Fills my eyes and heart.
Anger and guilt and frustration,
And depression makes waking up every day harder and harder.
Where's my fitness to the world with my chance to survive.
I got to get money so I can have a home.
So I can breathe, eat and live in this society.
I don't even like money,
And I got to work everyday just to feed myself.
God it makes me sick.
I just wanna curl up into a hole and die in this.
This isn't worth it.
I need a raise man!
I can't survive on this faith anymore.
I can't live on this,
I'm hungry,
And I've had service,
And I can't eat daddy.
God I am the creator of hell.
And I have seen all hell,
And I have seen no arms, no limbs no brains.
You don't care, you don't love me!
I only love myself.
No one will love me like I love me.

Life's been swell now I want to die
My body it hurts me sigh after sigh
I call it torture you call it life
A slave to money and everything I despise
Like everyone in general
Fuck eat sleep destroy
(....what goes here???...)
i am a disposable being
Who will fuck all life
I multiply and the air gets thinner and dirty
I take up space
I smell
I consume
But I produce nothing
I abuse
I have no reason to exist
The toilets clogged in this world o shit
I breathe filth everyday
Living fucks up my brian
Why? Why must I wake up today?
My eys are heavy
Why? Why must I see your face?
Your life is ugly
Why? Why did I buy into these things?
I don't want them
Tension. Tension
Frustraton. Alone
Tension. Despair. Tension
All these pressures on my life

Probably one of the best songs ever.
I love Dystopia and I love this song.
I fucking love this shit.
Ehm...
Yeah...
Listen to it, foo!

To get over it.

To get over it, you gotta realize that it was never yours and never will be yours.
To get over it, you gotta learn that the past is the past. You gotta move on.
To get over it, you gotta think over probably not seeing it for awhile.
To get over it, you gotta stop thinking the way you did in the past.

Too bad I never follow my own advice.
I want to get over it.

My dream...

...was so fucked up last night. I dreamed about being in a school/airport thing. It was really weird. I can't remember a lot of it, but I do remember that I had to change into another outfit because I was going somewhere special. My father and sister were there. We started looking for a bathroom for me to go and change in. All of them were full or nasty looking. Finally, we found one. I went inside and people were cleaning it. It was weird. I went inside a stall. It had a shower in it. I got undressed and I can't remember why I went outside the stall, but I did. I walked out completely naked. Then, I saw people that I knew. It was so embarrassing. They started laughing at me. They started saying really mean things too. It was weird and kinda sad. I don't think I would be that embarrassed if someone saw me naked. Then again there is only one guy that has seen me completely naked so I'm not sure how I would react if someone saw me naked right now. Weird.

On another note, I think either I'm going fucking crazy or I drive other people crazy. Am I neurotic? Maybe. But, nothing that I really write on here about my thoughts and feelings do I really express in reality. It's the fucked part of myself. I don't confront people and I usually want the best for people and when I first meet you, I'm really shy and won't really go up to you. I try to find the best in someone even when they're fucked. They are my curses. Well, I think I just fucked someone up without saying anything out of the ordinary for me. Either I'm really mean or this person's kinda out there. Weird. I think I'm nice when I first meet someone, but I could be wrong...

I'm in a really good mood today. I mean, despite the fact that I had a weird ass dream and so much cleaning to do.

Quote from my past: "I'm not the one for you. I'm not right for you."
Two people have said that to me and oddly enough they are complete opposites of each other, personality-wise at least. Weird. So, if they aren't right for me, then who is?

My curses:

1. Being young in an old world
2. Making people go a little crazy. Not on purpose.
3. Letting my emotions control me.
4. Not telling people what hurts me.
5. Telling people they fucking suck when they really don't.
6. Focusing too much on my #2 that I haven't had in a whole entire month.
7. Falling for those that I can't have.
   

I remember when I had my heart broken for the first time. I loved this boy so much. More than you can ever imagine. I still love him. He is the most amazing person in the world. Anyway, he told me we could never be together because:

1. I was too young.
2. We were too far from each other.
3. He wasn't right for me.
4. He didn't want to hurt me.

Funny thing is I started liking a guy a while before that who said the same thing to me and I started having feelings for a lover who said that to me in my more present life. I think I have a pattern of choosing the wrong person because in the end they do hurt me. Oh well. I'm so passed being sad and angry right now that I've become numb. It's weird. Oh well.

This blog is retarded. I hope I fucking never write a blog like this again.

I fucking hate...

...goddamn liars!
Or if you're going to fucking lie to me, at least keep it a secret the whole fucking time.
FUCK YOU!

I feel like I'm going to have another fucking nervous breakdown.
I fucking hate you all!
But, who I hate more than the rest of you is me.
FUCK YOU, Alejandra.

Dear Alejandra,
You're a fucking bitch ass motherfucking pussy. I hope you curl up and die. You never fucking say shit to anyone when they walk over you like you're something they can just dispose of anytime. I hate you for that. Look where it got you? Fucking thrown in the trash yet again.
I fucking hate your guts and you deserve this all.
I hope you overdose on something.
Loves,
Alejandra

Stupid Wishes... Will It Ever Come True?

Dear Blogger,

I want to find a nice boy who will hold back my hair when I vomit and kiss me afterward.
I want to find a boy that likes books because I like books too.
I want to find a boy that will be down with the booty calls to him that I like to make.
Crazy, anti-social, fucked up, and/or addicted motherfuckers drive me crazy.
I’m not into boys that are into chastity or babies.
Must enjoy or tolerate grindcore, powerviolence, thrash (not metal), and hardcore at the very least.
I want a boy who won’t mind my shyness when we first hang out. I open up later.

Basically all he has to have is a penis that’s clean, doesn’t mind going to a show with me once in awhile, and he is all right with me.

But, then again, it’s just a wish.

Loves,
Alita de Pollo (Chicken Wing)

I was searching for pictures of nice asses and found this:

Dear Blogger,

The above picture has got to be the best idea for a tattoo that I have seen in about one month. If I had a super hairy bellybutton like that and grew enormous balls to actually get the tattoo, I would. But, I don't have THAT hairy of a bellybutton nor do I have giant balls. So no, I would not get this tattoo. I must say that I do posses something that this person does not and that is better judgment and kinda better taste in cats. Eh... Happens.
Watch this foo regret this in like two days.

Loves,
Alita de pollo

She's so pretty!!!!!

And from what I hear, really sweet....
I can't dislike her.
And I can't help feeling guilty.
Eh...
Not fair.

Soooooo....
Who's going to Gilman this Friday????

Holes in Gums and Staples in Fingers...

Things are going well for me. I'm so happy that I have lots and lots of vicodin in front of me. It's really wonderful actually.... I missed taking painkillers.... YAY! My thumb doesn't hurt and my mouth doesn't either. But, all I want is either a pizza or french fries. I'm hungry for real food.
I love my vicodin! Yummy! Yummy! Things could be going well because of the below picture. Yup! Love you my lovely medicine. You make me so happy!

<3
♥

Eh.

• Maybe life was supposed to be this hard so that I learned how to deal with seemingly unbearable pain in order to bear that pain and grow stronger.

• I am happy again because I finally was able to admit to something that I never wanted to admit to someone or even myself hence lifting a great burden from my chest.

• I am happy again because the person that I really care about is finally happy after such a long time of being unhappy. This person's well-being and happiness means the world to me.


• I have really horrible luck... The following has happened to me:

1. Diagnosed with a disease that when I took my medicine it made my stomach hurt.
2. I got really sick. I have been sick three times in the past four months.
3. I had the worst hangover in the world a few weekends ago.
   
4. I dropped my really cool cell phone in the toilet causing it to break.
5. I bought a $48 new used phone.
   
6. I stapled my finger by accident.
7. I lost my glasses.
8. I realized that booking is super stressful.
9. I have a really interesting private life that is really kind of fucked up, but exciting.
10. I lost my $45 BART card.
11. I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled tomorrow.

• I love all my friends with all my heart. You guys are my family.

• I am so happy to be talking to mi Luisito again. He is probably the most important person in my life. His heart is amazing and he makes me so happy. I miss him so much and I love him deeply with all my heart.

• I am now new co-head booker with Jay Unidos at Gilman! In yo face!
  

I think that despite everything that has happened, all the personal issues, the stupid shit I do with my life and EVERYTHING else, I am genuinely happy. It was the weirdest thing. I haven't smiled the way I smiled today in a long time. I realize that the people around me are too important to me and too special to me for me to act this way toward life. I may not always get what I want, but I know I have the most important thing in my life, friends.

HAH!

Well, I realize why I wasn't allowed to drink alcohol for 5 days while taking my medication. It’s because if I do actually consume even the tiniest amount of alcohol, I will start violently vomiting and shitting myself. That would be exciting, wouldn’t it? Who would want to take care of me then??? I doubt you would. I'm glad I didn't take any of the booze offered to me on Saturday night. That would horribly embarrassing. Ew... Oh! And I wouldn't be able to tell everyone that I survived the 1 hour and 54 minute long Corrupted set on Saturday.
Stupid antibiotics. Retarded.

So, one time I spent an amazing night at this one person's house. I've been missing that kinda interaction... You know, watching movies and saying stupid shit to each other. It was fun.

I am going to post a glossary for the "specialized jargon" that the sub-culture I am studying uses... Stupid English class....

Rather than write a bulletin, I'll write a blog.

So, I stayed up this late because I was updating my "gayspace" and listening to shitty pop-punk, sad/sappy songs, Tom Waits' songs, goth, grindcore, powerviolence, and death metal.

I fucking hate myspace some days. This is the exact day I'm thinking this because I have now stayed up until 1:40am doing nothing but being narcissitic. Fucking retarded. I'm a confessed victim to society's view of my generation being self-indulgent and idiotic. I am MTVs perfect patron. I am now a statistic.

I am a degenerate product of my generation. I consume when I preach non-consumerist attitudes (at lease I man up to it, unlike most people). I am mostly apolitical even though I pride myself on being politically conscientious. I am claim to be a feminist even though I say bitch all the time and think sexist jokes are funny (some people are too PC... Sexist jokes are hilarious). I don't think of myself as a racist, but I do like racist jokes too (I don't give a fuck because I know it's not true). I think mentally disabled people should be treated with respect, but I say "retarded" all the time. Eh... I am a hypocrite, but find me one person in this world that does not contradict what they believe in.

Fuck you if you judge me on this shit. I don't give a fuck.

I used to say I would be vegan forever, but after 2 1/2 years of being vegan, I gave it up for $50 sushi... It was delicious.

I used to say I would be straight edge forever, but after roughly 1 1/2 years of being straight edge, I gave it up for drinking a beer with my dad at a bar in his hometown...
And if Guatemala doesn't count, then I gave up being straight edge for drinking with Carlos and his friends, a few weeks later, at the Extreme Noise Terror show.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that I suck. I have no will power to stay vegan and no desire to be straight edge anymore.

I do not always stay true to what I believe, but I certainly do not go against it. It's not like me saying sexist jokes means that I believe in that mentality...
Sure, there is the argument that if you continue to say those jokes or say "bitch" or "cunt" all the time that it desensitizes others into believing it's okay to be sexist. That is bullshit. If someone meant that shit, I would be the first person to call them on it.

Anyway, it's not like I drink Coca-Cola everyday or eat at fast food places. Puh-leez.... Even those lame ass "environmentally green" people that spend insane amounts of money on specialty items are more consumer minded than I am. I don't shop for brands. I buy used clothes, band shirts, or wear hand-me-downs. I buy vinyl when I can, but it's not like I am going through EBay everyday and buying $60 test press special edition blah blah blah vinyl. Eh... Whatever.... Point is, it's impossible to be a non-consumer in a capitalist society...

Whatever.... I don't have to defend myself anymore.

The point of this blog was to put myself down for being similar to how girls my age are portrayed as, but as I am writing, I realize that I am not like them. I go to school, swim laps in the pool, go to La Raza Student Organization meetings, go home and either do homework, text, or kick it with Cassondra. On Tuesdays I go to booking. My weekends are filled with work, homework, and spending most of the time by myself during the day and going to shows at night, if I can find a ride.
Yeah, I know. I am super exciting.
Girls my age are portrayed as partiers. I barely party. They are portrayed as slutty. I am hardly slutty (except for my low-cut shirts... I don't give a fuck!). They are portrayed as self-indulgent. I self-indulge a little myself, but who doesn't...
I could go on for longer, but I won't.

I have written and re-written this blog probably 3 times since 1:40am. It is now 2:52am. It's time to sleep...

Loves,
Alejandra
"Todo que amo, amo sin razón."

Tattoos..

I got two tattoos on my birthday (October 4, 2008). I kinda want to show them off. They are the only tattoos that I have. I love them a lot. I want more now. The "Bake or Die" one is going to eventually have a cupcake near it and a spoon like the shirt I made.

Here they are!

Ixchel- Mayan Goddess of the Moon, Midwifery, and Floods

Bands I wish I could see...

1. Man is the Bastard
2. Dystopia
3. No Less
4. No Comment
5. Spazz
6. WxHxN?
7. Life's Halt!
8. Charles Bronson
9. Fuerza X
   
10. Discordance Axis
11. Noothgrush
12. Los Crudos
13. Aus-Rotten
14. Sin Dios
15. No Mas No
16. Sarcasmo
17. Tragatelo
    
18. Kontraattaque
19. Fuck on the Beach
20. Assuck
21. Brujeria
22. Excruciating Terror
23. Napalm Death
24. Dropdead
25. Totalitar
26. Conflict
27. Slam Chop
28. Abuso Sonoro
29. Cripple Bastards
30. Slayer
31. Om
32. Black Flag
33. Poison Idea
34. Discharge
35. Betercore
36. Econochrist
37. Infest
38. Nasum
39. Ekkaia
40. DS 13
41. Pig Destroyer
42. Scholastic Deth

And SOOOO much more!!!!!

According to Ms. Doctor...

No alcohol or number 2 for 5-8 days...
Eh...
I wanted to buy some quality beer this weekend.
I was thinking of maybe an oatmeal stout or Newcastle.
I love Newcastle.
Anyway, it won't be that hard.
Number 2 will be easier though.
It requires that someone doesn't bring a special someone to a show, but that someone probably will bring that other someone to the show therefore preventing my chances of getting number 2.
Oh well...
I will wait until later.
Unless this someone decides he wants to remain with the decision and not get me number 2 anymore, because he would rather give it to a more special person to him.
Oh life....

Go to this show on Friday:


Go to this show on Saturday:

BRUTAL!

I really really wish I was at this show. Fuck! Could you imagine?! I can't believe all those bands played together. I love them all! Man is the Bastard is probably my favorite band at the moment. Can't stop listening to them. And motherfucking Excruciating Terror???? I love that band. I love the band because they are grind as fuck! Bloody Phoenix and Endless Demise have members from Excruciating Terror in the bands. That's amazing, huh? I fucking love that shit. Noothgrush!!!! I love that band!!! Here is a video!



Sick shit!!!! I love this! Agents of Satan and F.A.G.G.O.T. were amazing too! Oh man... There is nothing wrong with this show. I wish I was there! I think I was born too late... I missed the 80s hardcore scene, the crust scene, etc. At least I got to see the end of the grind scene... Even though I would have loved to see Discordance Axis and all those amazing bands... Oh well... Man, if I had a list of all the bands that I would kill to see....

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!

I love this song. Nick told me to listen to it. I really like it. Kinda reminds me of my life sometimes. Happens... I really do like this song and I don't give a fuck what people say about me.

Fix You by Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
"Just what your worth"

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...


Tears stream, down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...


Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Last Night

The Dia de los Muertos show was amazing last night. I saw a lot of friends and a lot of people were really supportive of the bands and me. I had a little drama happen, but that was quickly taken care of. I really loved how people helped out with the show and how people were really supportive of one another. I really loved that people were helpful. I really loved that everyone did their best to help out and I don't know.... I am just so thankful.

A survey is next:

You got laid last night​,​​ didn'​​t you?
Nope.

Have you ever had a sleep​ over with a membe​r of the oppos​ite sex?
A few times.

Relat​ionsh​ip statu​s:​​ Singl​e,​​ Taken​,​​ Compl​icate​d?​​
Single.

Is your last ex still​ someo​ne you care about​?​​​
...?...

What was going​ throu​gh your mind durin​g your last kiss?​​​
Wondering why I do what I do, but enjoying every second of it.

What'​​s the bigge​st annoy​ance in your life right​ now?
Reality

Is it easy for other​s to make you feel awkwa​rd?​​​
I hardly ever feel awkward, but there are moments when people do make things awkward.

When was the last time you wante​d to punch​ someo​ne in their​ face?​​​
Not too long ago.

Who will your next kiss be?
I know exactly who it will be...

Do you belie​ve that you can chang​e for someo​ne?​​​
I could change, but I won't change.

Is there​ someo​ne you want to keep in your life?​​​
Yes, there are many people I want to keep in my life.

Is there​ someo​ne you want out of your life for good?​​​
Not really.

How old is your best frien​d?​​​
18, 19, and 25

Are you happy​?​​​
I am happy.

Do you think​ you can love someo​ne witho​ut trust​ing them?​​​
It happens

Where​ did you get your last bruis​e from?​​​
My shoes... Walking.

Have you ever thoug​ht you were gonna​ die?
Many times....

How many TRUE frien​ds do you have that you can tell anyth​ing to?
A few...

What'​​s one actio​n you do when you'​​re reall​y nervo​us?​​​
I play with my earrings or necklaces...
I smoke.

What did you last cry over?
Something stupid... Something I can never have.

Who do you text the most?​​​
Cassondra

Do you mean anyth​ing to the last perso​n you held hands​ with?​​​
I don't think I mean anything to him besides a good fuck. HAHA! Just kidding... We're just good friends.

Where​ did you go last night​?​​​
I went to Gilman.

Are you close​ with your sibli​ngs?​​​
Why not.

Would​ you rathe​r be the heart​ broke​n or the heart​ break​er?​​​
Neither. It's fucked eiher way.

Have you ever been heart​ broke​n?​​​
Yeah, it it sucks hella.

How did you feel when you woke up today​?​​​
Really Really Tired.

Have you kisse​d anyon​e on the lips withi​n the past week?​​​
Yes, I have.

Do you belie​ve in love?​​​
I do, but at the same time I don't.

Curre​nt mood?​​​
Tired

Are you too forgi​ving?​​​
I am very forgiving.

Would​ you go back in time if you were given​ the chanc​e?​​​
I would love to.

Do you think​ you will be in a relat​ionsh​ip three​ month​s from now?
I doubt it. I don't have relationships.

Do you secre​tly like someo​ne?​​​
If I secretly liked someone, I would be very starry-eyed over them.

Do you think​ you'​​ll be marri​ed in 10 yrs?
I have no idea.

Have you ever found​ it hard to tell someo​ne you like them?​​​
Last time I told someone that I got attached to them, he told me that we could never be together... So yes, it is hard for me to tell someone I like them because I'm scared of having that happen again.

Ever turne​d a girl/​​boy down you shoul​dn'​​t have?​​​
I don't regret turning anyone down. I don't want to settle and I don't want to lead people on.

Are you open about​ your feeli​ngs or close​d off?
Open enough to the people I care about.

Think​ of the last perso​n you told "I love you" to, did you mean it?
I love my mother with all my life.

Story​ behin​d your MySpa​ce song?​​​
I love all the bands on my playlist. Listen to "Anal Mistress" by Assuck!

NEVER AGAIN!

My head is pounding and I just ran to the bathroom to vomit some more.
Fuck this shit.

I hate this.

New Month...

The weather outside is amazing! I am so upset that I have to be indoors for the next four hours of my life at work. I would love to be outside. The weather is amazing. It is nice and warm, but windy and rainy. It is beautiful. It makes me so happy.
I think this month is going to go well for me. My dad is coming back from China next Sunday. I can't wait.

Tomorrow is going to be the first show that I booked of this month. It is one of two shows that I booked:

1)NOVEMBER 2, 2008: Dia de los Muertos themed show with Boom Boom Kid (Argentina, Ex-Fun People), Eskapo (Filipino hardcore from the Bay), Fuga (Punk inspired cumbia, etc), Venganza (Crazy thrash from the home of Disneyland), and Los Fracasos (Skate-core fo sho! From near Watsonville!).

2)NOVEMBER 21, 2008: No theme for this show, but it will be crazy as fuck with bands such as, Mind of Asian (Crazh all-girl badassness from Japan), Voetsek (Estrogen fueled thrash from the Bay), Lack Of Interest (Crazy powerviolence from LA), California Love (Lovely UGZ Speed Trial winners from the Bay Area), and Strains of the Apocalyse (Crazy fast as hell grind as fuck band from the Bay Area!)


FUCK YES! Now go to the shows, foo!

Dude....

I'm not going to fuck this girl over...

Cool thing someone wrote about me in class!

The sweater is a classic, black zip up sweatshirt, and is unique in the amount of "patches" haphazardly sewn in in white and black thread. The patches are only black and white, and most are dirty and show signs of wear and tear. The patches vary in size, but they cover the majority of the sweater, and all pertain to violence, or a political uprising. There are several references to anarchy, including the sporadic anarchist "A" on several of the patches.
Ale says that she has had the sweater for 2 years and wears it every day. Although the sweater has the grunge appeal, and looks worn, it does not smell. The sweater, she says, was purchased at a thrift store, and the patches were her own addition. The patches were either given to her for free, or paid a dollar for at various punk, grindcore, and power violence concerts she has attended recently. This, Ale claims, is the music she listens to. I ask Ale if she supports anarachy, and she gives me a hesitant yes, prefixed by an "uhh". Ale says that she believes in anarchy because she believes that "all politicians are corrupt, and that change cannot come from a few in power". Ale does admit that she is skeptical of her own ideology. She admits to realizing that she is not sure if an anarchist revolution would institute equality because " leaders of the revolutions become the people that they’re fighting against." However, there is no hesitation in Ale's voice when she answers my inquiry as to why she still wears the sweater with a stubborn, "Because I believe in it."

Me:

1. Unlovable
2. Used
3. Shit
4. The worst.
   

Things change...

Things change between friends.

For example:
I wanted to rip the head off one of my friends this morning for her self-righteous comments about my life.

For example:
I got a phone call this morning that probably saved a friendship that could have been ruined very easily in the long run if we continued the way we were just a day ago.

For example:
I talked to my friend all day today and she stayed by me through some tough times this summer. I think today I was positive she would be in my life forever.

For example:
I woke up feeling weird and the texts that my friend sent me made me feel less weird... Maybe it's still weird. Who knows?

These friendships changed just today, in less than a 24 hour period.
Interesting.
Is it for the better?
Is it for the worse?
Who knows?
Only time will tell...

=]

Wow...

Could it be?

Could it be that life is going ok?

I think so.

Confusion and life go hand in hand.

I love it!

What the fuck?????

This was definitely one of the most interesting nights of my life. This is a picture from my birthday... From right to left it's Marinda, Emily, Marcus, Antonella, Me, and Paulina. It was interesting. I had drunk people talk into my ear telling me how they miss me. Kinda interesting and I still do not know how to respond. Hmmm... It was difficult. The whole show was kind of a mess. There was a little drama. I messed up at something that I really care about. I want so bad to be a great booker, but it was hard for me this month and last month to promote. I will do better with my shows. They are going to be badass. November 21st will be great! Remember the date! It's Mind of Asian, Voetsek, Lack of Interest, California Love, and Strains of the Apocalypse. Should be sick! Remember the date!

...Weird...

Went to bed last night with an intense euphoric feeling. I was uncontrollably smiling and my mind was spinning with wonder. My whole body felt as though it was being cradled by someone rocking me back and forth. Everything was wonderful except my heart and stomach. My stomach had a pit in it. It dropped everytime a text rang annoyingly in my ear. My body would heat up. My heart would beat faster. It as a weird feeling. I have no idea what I was expecting and got even more confused when I found out what I was expecting. Weird. Weird. And in the end I fell asleep happy. Really happy.

It started as a kiss. How did it end up like this?

I, onetime, accidentally fell in love.
This was long ago.
We never kissed.
I fell for him.
Hard.

I, onetime, accidentally fell in lust.
This was not too long ago.
We kissed.
I fell for him.
Hard.

Vitamin X at Burnt Ramen Video!

9/28/2008 12:30am
I went to an amazing show!

Burnt Ramen: Vitamin X (Amesterdam), Deadfall, Nightstick Justice, Crucial Cause, Skull Stomp


Shit was brutal! I have not gone in a pit in a long time and I have not gotten a bloody nose in even longer and I have never been boosted up onto the crowd ever. It was sick. The bands were amazing and I saw a lot of homies there. I wish I had been more sociable, but I was tired from working and no sleep. It was fun. I had a lot of fun. I am so glad I went. I am glad that I found a ride!!! Thanks Marinda!
YAY! I miss shows like that. It was brutal. I haven't seen anything like that in a long time and going to this show makes me miss it. Maybe these shows will be a regular thing? I love this music.
Oh shit... I am so happy and excited that I can't even write coherently anymore.
Going into the pit and being at shows and getting everything out and hearing the amazing music puts everything into perspective. I am so happy right now. I could give a shit about anything else. I didn't even start shit when everyone thought I would tonight (maybe because I wasn't drunk?).
Anyway, that's all.

9/29/2008 2:10pm



http://www.killthatcat.com UPDATED DAILY!!!!
http://www.killthatcat.com
UPDATED DAILY!!!!
http://www.myspace.com/killthatcat

VITAMIN X
Burnt Ramen Studios
Richmond, CA
September 27th 2008

The first three songs were not taped due to how crazy it was, it took me a couple minutes to get situated.
I also missed the final encore song due to my tape running out. Bummer.
Here's the setlist as they had it written out:
01. Rip It Out (not taped)
02. Death (not taped)
03. Master (not taped)
04. Bad Trip
05. People
06. Merida
07. Deal With It
08. Star
09. Secret Police
10. Better Get Away
11. Can't You See Now
12. Random Violence
13. Beat My Head
14. Free To Kill
15. Ready To Fight (Negative Approach)
16. See Through


Can you see me???? HAHAHA

To my boys....

I am a lover, not a girlfriend. I am your friend, not your lover. I am your best friend and will always remain that way. I am your past lover and will still always be there for you. I am the girl you liked and probably will never like again. I am the girl you use and then leave behind. I am your confidant who will never tell no matter what happens. I am yours for the taking and now for the leaving. I will never leave you. I will never intentionally hurt you. I am yours, my dear friend. Use me as you wish. But, I can never fall in love with you again. I am here to listen. I am here to be your friend. I can't be anything more. I don't wish to be anything less. Just acknowledge me. You don't have to talk to me. Just remember that I will wait for you. I will wait until you want to me friends again. I will stay with you, even if you don't want me to. You are my friend. You are my best friend. And for you I write this. This is for my boys. The boys that shaped me and changed me. You know who you guys are. When you read it you will see yourself in some of these words. You will be confused by others. But, if there is one thing that I want you to take from all of this it's that I Love You.

My Greatest Artistic Achievment

And it's still not that great....

To be perfectly honest.

To be perfectly honest, this is me:
pretty ok friend + biting + candy + grind + the worst + nerd = alejandra
That is me.

To be perfectly honest, I now started watching porn thanks to a certain someone who told me to watch it one night.
porn = funny (sometimes)

To be perfectly honest, I really love my friends. They are the best!
Sondra+Luis+Yun²+UK+Brennan+Los+Maya+Mad=great friends

To be perfectly honest, I am a closet romantic who can't wait to get swept away by someone who really cares about me.
Love = non-existent in Ale-land.

To be perfectly honest, I have a secret that only a few people in this giant world know about. You probably think you know, but really it's not the whole entirely true story! Muahahaha!
Secret = Deep and Dark!

To be perfectly and completely honest, I probably won't stay a vegan for very much longer. I love candy and if I can't get my candy because there is bone chard in it, then I will break my veganism for it!
Veganism = really hard to stick to ----> Ale = no strong will.

To be perfectly honest, the opposite sex confuses me because it seems as though they do not know what they want in life which, ultimately, affects me in drastic ways hence my belief that I am the worst at ANYTHING having to do with the opposite sex.
Confusing + Homies + Indecisiveness + Sex + Penis = Guys

To be perfectly honest, I do not know how to react to two different things in my life that happened in the last three days.
Life = Confusing

Is Desire > Rational Thinking or Rational Thinking > Desire?

We shall see in the coming days. Stay tuned!

♥
Alejandra
"Todo lo que amo, amo con locura."

Wage.Slave.Masturbation.

Want to be successful?
Want to have all the stuff your poor ass dreamed about when you were younger?
Well, why don't you find a job. Find a job at any of the following areas of business:

• Doctor's offices - What's lucky about these places is you get to sit in front of computers all day, getting fat, and doing the doctor's or physical therapists shit work? You may feel happy at first that you are part of a bigger thing helping people overcome their illnesses or injuries, until you have to make a phone call to an 80-year old woman with a bad back or broken hip that she can no longer come here because her Medicare only allows all seniors 24 visits. She can always pay the full price ($130 for the first visit and $85 for all the other visits) for more appointments if she wants to continue. After making that phone call, you realized that you have to work over 40 hours this week in order to finish all the work that was given to you. But, your boss refuses to pay you overtime. Then, your paycheck comes and 20% goes to social security you will never be able to receive and a good amount goes to health insurance that you don't have and that your job doesn't offer you. Yeah. Fun stuff.
• Fancy Restaurants - Man, what a great job. You are the first to arrive and last to leave. You run around cleaning after other people's messes and dealing with disgruntled customers. You see first hand how wasteful people are and how skinny, anorexic people really hate themselves enough to eat only a little tiny fraction of their salad and leave the rest at their abandoned table. You are constantly being yelled at by your tiny boss. You don't get to take your breaks because if you do take one all the servers, as nice as they are, feel that they are better than bussers and refuse to do your job for the mere 15 minute rest you are allowed in your 9 hour shift. Then, when it comes to getting paid, you don't. It takes your bosses one whole month to pay you and when they finally do, their accountant tells them to take half the money from your paycheck for tax purposes. You were working under the table. Then, they fire you for availability issues on your graduation day, the day you become completely available to work.
• Babysitter - Being a babysitter is fun! You get to work for rich parents whose rich brats can't seem to pronounce the names "Ale" or "Alejandra." It's fun. You get to eat the people's food for free and watch movies on their big screen blue ray no se que mierda TV. Pretty sweet job. Except for when you get paid and are cheated out of your money sometimes because the parents "forgot to go by the ATM." Jerks.

These are just a few jobs to help you gain capital for the shit you like to masturbate to in the middle of the night. Have fun buying endless EPs that you are probably going to listen to just once. But hey, it gives you bragging rights and you can always stroke your lovely ego with that bragging right.

Later,

Alejandra
"Amo sin razón. Amo con locura."

The Worst.

-Hey.
-Hey.
-So, how have you been?
-Ok. I'm going to start school soon.
-Really?
-Yeah. (pause) So, why are you so quiet?
-Nothing.
-But, it's weird. I mean, I am usually the quiet one and you are the talkative one. I don't get it.
-I know.
-So, what's wrong?
-I guess I'm having trouble asking you for a fuck.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Best line ever.


Oh life is so funny. Well, the life in my mind. Did this really happen? Yes, it happened in my mind.

I guess I laughed at my own joke.

Fuck Your Violence.

Actually, don't fuck your violence. Love it.

I grew up not understanding what violence really was. My first schools, His Growing Grove, Montesorri School of Kensington, and Castro Valley Elementary, did not have fights and most people got along really well. When I went to Castro Elementary in El Cerrito, I never experienced or saw violence, but I knew it was there because of the constant conversation we had at school about this one little girl becoming blind because some boys were throwing rocks at her and some of the rocks hit her eyes damaging them permanently. The rest of my elementary school days in Kensington Hilltop Elementary were peaceful. I got into just one fight, which is still hard for some people to believe. It's even hard for me to believe.

When I got into middle school, I went my 7th grade year to a private Catholic school called St. Philip Neri. There werw no fights here, obviously. The most vicious it got was people making fun of other people. Pretty lame. Then, I transferred to Albany Middle School my 8th grade year. There were a few fights here and there, but I was never involved in them and neither were any of my friends.

When I went to Albany High School, nothing particularly interesting happened. The most I ever did was kick the shit out of people when I was drunk. I still feel kind of bad, but no one let me beat the shit out of this one asshole who spread some bullshit rumors about me. Lame. My school years were really peaceful. I think I got in more fights outside of school than in school.

My home life was a different story. Let's just say it involved many belts, a knife one time, and maybe a kick to the head here and there. But, that is not something that I would like to get into.

I do remember when I was living in pretty bad parts of Oakland and Richmond hearing gun shots a lot and seeing a lot of police cars. Oh and there was this one time when I was a little girl that my family and I were going to church in the Mission and there was a drive by. I don't remember. But, I remember that the first show of Delubyo and La Grita at Balazo there was a drive-by right outside. That was freaky.

I do not advocate violence, but man do I love a good circle pit. When the pit is big and strong you never know who's face you are gonna smash in. I remember walking out of Gilman various times with bloody noses, sprained ankles, black eyes, bruises, and cuts. To this day I still walk out with injuries. For example, I went to see Ceremony on Friday and walked out with a bloody, broken nail and a giant bump on my head that is still there. The show was 6 days ago.

I grew up hearing about war violence. I always knew there was violence far worse than I probably will ever experience. My father told me about how in Guatemala, during the civil war, he would drive down the highway and see dead bodies lining the roads. My family experienced violence that I can't even imagine experiencing.

So yeah... I guess this is my rant about my experience with violence. It's not much.
I guess I should start reading for my class.

Selling Your Flesh...

One day he is going to sell his flesh on the street on San Pablo in Oakland. I am going to drive by and laugh. He is going to ask me to spread the word about his "services." I am going to laugh. Then, I am going to change the subject because this conversation is too funny.

My homeboy and I talked for two hours about jobs, selling his flesh, erotic services, hardcore music quiz and so much more. He ia my homie and I have no idea why I talk to him for so long if he is boring! HAHA!

Maybe you can lie to yourself.

Maybe life has it's own funny way of fucking things up and making it better. Maybe when we think we don't belong, we really do. Maybe I really do like you, but if you're are telling the truth, I won't show you disappointment. Maybe I used to drink to forget. Maybe I used drink to remember why I'm alive. Maybe my friends are my family. Maybe they just backstab and/or forget. Maybe I really will get cavities from eating too much candy. Maybe the car rides were too long. Maybe I think you're crazy. Maybe I love it. Maybe I want you. Maybe I don't. Maybe I am stressed. Maybe my family is frustrated with me. Maybe I don't care. Or maybe I do. Maybe I wish the stars were shining tonight. Maybe I wish you called. Maybe I wish we could kick it like we did in the summer before school started. Maybe I miss your judgemental ass. Maybe I love Tuesdays. Maybe I love the weekends. Maybe I won't get kicked out. Maybe they won't mind how I live. Maybe my dad will stop hurting me. Maybe my mom will never be unhappy again. Maybe my sister will be happy forever and ever. Maybe my little sister will be amazing. Maybe everything will be ok. Maybe life is ok.

Retarded

I am sitting in class right now. It's my ethnography class. We don't do much in this class. We basically sit on the computer and write responses to the questions posed by my professor Kory Ching. The class is alright. I get to do an ethnographic essay during this semester on any subculture I want to write about. Being the kind of person I am, I am definitely going to do my paper on the Bay Area punk subculture. But, I get so bored. Everything we do can be done at home. I just want to go home right now. Erg. How retarded.

On another note, check out Jay Unidos' new blog post regarding Gilman if it so interests you... http://ear2theground.blogspot.com. I think it's important and I would write something about it here, but I have to do another lame assignment on the internet that I can do at home. Lame.

Later

♥

Hope

Why does hope always bring me down? I hate hope. Everything about it. Esperanza es una mentira. Hope is a lie. It's a lie you tell to yourself, so that maybe you will one day be happy. Hope is horrible. It caused me a lot of pain in my life. I hope you don't read this, but I know you will. See? Hope sucks.

Radiohead and Manu Chao

Went to my first mega-huge concert yesterday. It was sick. Although I really like punk and most of its sub-genres, I still enjoy listening to other types of music such as Radiohead, Beck, and Manu Chao. Unfortunately, I was unable to see Beck because he was playing at the same time as Manu Chao and I must say I am a bigger fan of Manu Chao than Beck, but it was still disapointing. The concert was badass though. My sister and I got there hella early and moved up to the front. The barricade was about 80ft away from the stage and the stage was super high. It was weird to see something like that. It didn't feel right. You know? Anyway, we watched Steel Pulse which was cool, but I don't think I was in the mood for that. Too slow. And then Manu Chao came on. The crowd was crazy for him. He did an amazing set. He definitely as good, if not better, in person as he is on his album. My sister and I were pushed even closer to the front during his set because some asshole was being obnoxious and pushing everyone around. But, now my sister was one person away from being in the front. After Manu Chao's set, we waited 45 minutes to see Radiohead. There was this one lady who had to be pulled out of the crowd. I think she was overdosing because when I saw her, her lips were purple, her skin was pale, and her eyes were rolled back into her skull. It was sad because the whole time she was talking about how much she wanted to see Radiohead. And then, my sister stepped on some guy's ecstasy pill. HAHAHA! That was really funny actually. He told my sister jokingly that she owed him $20. She apologized and he told her it was ok because he just ate shrooms so he should be fine for Radiohead. HAHA! Then, people started fighting really hard to get to the front. I was one person away and really content with my spot despite the occasional sway from the tall guy in front of me. Radiohead was AMAZING. I love that band and seeing them live was even cooler. I will never forget the lights and Thom York dancing. HA! He is super short! Sometime in the begining of the set, the guy in front of me moved to the back of me and I snatched his spot. I was right in front! It was super cool. It was an amazing 2 hour set that just seemed to fly by! I love Radiohead and I want to see them again someday. Maybe next time they will play "Creep."

All My Dreams...

So, I really want to go back to Havasu Falls. It was probably one of the most beautiful places I have ever been to. It was an amazing experience to hike 10 miles from the top of the Grand Canyon down to the campground and the falls. It was incredible. I have never been so awestruck in my life. Just the beauty that was all around me; the waterfalls in the middle of the Grand Canyon. How could anything be more perfect? What could ever achieve that level of perfection? The drinking water was disgusting, but everything else was so amazing. I want to go back. So, my plan is, next year I am going back in the summer. I have not been back in 5 years. I miss that tranquility. I miss being able to sit down and hear the water crashing onto the rocks. I miss the red dirt below my feet and the water that cooled me down during those long summer days. I miss nature. I feel like I need to get away from cars, computers, cities, and technology for awhile and just have food, a tent, water, and a book for awhile. There is nothing more calming than being by yourself in nature. It always feels like you are small and just a minuscule dot amongst greater things. I don't mean "god," but I do mean nature. There is no greater feeling than that.

I miss it. I think it clears my mind. Just thinking about it clears my mind. It makes me think past drama, the bullshit, the expectations, the preconceptions, and the "how-it-should-be's" and lets me think about reality. Reality without the scrutiny. Reality without the expectations. Reality without outsiders. It allows me to look at true reality. It makes me feel great, because then I can see what I really want without people telling me what I should want. And then, I look past what everyone wants for me and follow what I want for myself and that's how I live my life and I will never live it differently. I would rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I'm not.

I don't know how to end this blog, but...

I love life.

College is Expensive....

Books are going to cost me over $350. Ridiculous. How am I going to be able to continuously afford this??? I guess I got to start applying to more scholarships, because this is getting to be ridiculous. Not to mention the fact that I've got to spend $8.20 4 times a week to get to my classes and another $7.60 about 5 Saturdays to volunteer at the free clinic. I have no problem with doing the volunteer work, it's just that school is going to be really expensive for me. Working isn't going to cover all my costs either. I have to pay my mother $680 for running a red light about 10 months ago. That's where all my money is going. I hate money. I hate everything about money. It is disgusting and it shouldn't have this much control over my life, but it does. Money is awful. I can't believe I have to pay thousands of dollars in order to get a degree to be a teacher. I have to pay money in order to be able to get paid later in life. Sick cycle. I will never be free of money and the debts it's going to bring into my life. All I want to do is be a high school history teacher. That is my dream. But, it requires me to get a degree and go through a certification process. After I am done with my bachelors degree, I want to go for my masters so that I can be even more certified to do the job that I really want to do. It's going to suck. I got to spend money in order to eventually make money doing what I love. This is going to suck, but that's the educational system for you. That's life. La puta vida.

Last Night....

Bumbklaatt cancelled the show very last minute last night. A good 50 people showed up. Most of them I knew. I want to thank them for supporting me!!! You guys are badass... It was fun. I thoroughly enjoyed the show and kicking it with my friends. Thanks to everyone who came out and supported the bands. You gotta support the smaller bands too, because they might be as popular as some other bands some day... or at least give them a chance.

Thanks!

Sick shows...

There are going to be two sick shows at Gilman this weekend. One of them, yours truly booked (Bumbklaatt). You guys should all come out and check out the badassness that is a UGZ show, aswell. UGZ Presents always books amazing shows that never fail to be interesting and musically great! Support UGZ and the bands! Basically, just come out for both days! You won't regret it.

Recently, I have learned a lot about people and attitudes. I am guilty for a lot of shit talking and I admit to it. I shit talk a lot about bands and sometimes people. But, I also know that a lot of people do that aswell. It doesn't make it right, but I know that I can and will say what I want to people's faces with no hesitation. Anyway, I don't feel so bad shit talking, but I fucking hate it when people claim they don't talk behind people's back but do so anyway just so that they may seem righteous. I have had to deal with those kinds of people many times in my life and I am sick of it. I am sick of having someone say nice things to my face, but shit talk behind my back. I am sick of people doing that to my friends too.

I make a lot of mistakes. A lot of mistakes. I will admit to all of them. I don't try and hide things anymore from people and I can't physically lie anymore. (I actually got really bad at lying, so if you think I am lying when I talk to you, I most likely am... just call me out). I can't keep a straight voice or face when I lie. I've fucked up a lot in my life. But, I have had a lot of people try and fuck with me. I have had people who I have been very close to say hurtful things to me and to my friends. I have had people threaten me (just check the myspace bulletins hahaha). But, I have found my real friends. I have friends who have been in my life for 5 years and some that I only met in February. But, I know those people are here for me, because despite me embaressing them, fighting with them, not seeing them often, or falling out with them a few times, they have remained my friends. I don't need negativity in my life. I don't need people who are two-faced.

This is not a public slap in the face over the internet, because this is not about one specific person in case someone is wondering... although it does apply to her aswell. Call me out. Fuck with me. Threaten me. Kick my ass. Tell everything you know about me to the world. I don't care because I am beyond caring. I love the family (de alma) I have now. I love the family (de sangre) that has not left me behind because I am different. And that is all I need.

The Night We Met...

I got my septum pierced yesterday. It started off with Cassondra working while I was being lazy and lying in bed and then eventually getting my ass up to go to a clinic. Well, after I went to the clinic and Cassondra got off work we met up and she handed me a job application. This application was to one of the funniest places in the world to work at. Hot Topic. Could you imagine me working there? I get to work at a store that epitomizes the capitalist obsession of tapping into every group and trying to make a profit, even in the underground. Erg. Super lame.

Anyway, after eating the most amazing vegan ice cream at a yuppie place and filling out my application, we decided to make the long and tiresome descent to Telegraph Ave. There, I dropped off my application and attempted to make conversation with the guy working the register, but he promptly stapled my resume and application together and went about doing more important shit like picking his nose or something.

Then, we walked down to Moe's (badass bookstore) and looked for a LITTLE BOOK! for Cassondra. It was quite fun. The LITTLE BOOKS! were a little expensive, but too good to be true. Those LITTLE BOOKS! were super cool. Then, we looked at the Anarchist literature and promptly decided that being a mother that wears combat boots would be badass.... Except not really because kids suck. Then, I found my favorite book in the world, How to Talk Dirty in Foreign Languages. Oh, that book makes me laugh. I wish I could still remember how to say, "Nice legs, at what time do they open?" in French. Oh, that would make me super happy.

After kicking it in Moe's for like an hour, we went to get something to drink at a coffee shop. Cassondra, I think, charmed the barista because he gave her a free frappe or some shit like that. As we were sitting and talking, Cassondra came up with the idea that I should go and get my septum pierced because we really didn't do anything that day. So, I went and got it done. She had jewelry, so I used hers and now my septum is pierced. Sweet shit!

After that we decided to have a movie night at my house because we couldn't find a ride to Hazmats for the show there. So, we went to the movie rental place and rented 5 movies. We came to my house and at first we were on the computer and looking through my records. I realize that I may not have a lot of records, but I do love what I have. They are badass and fucking rule. Anyway, then we were going to watch Mulholland Dr., but I fell asleep. 15 minutes into the movie, though, I was woken up to my phone ringing and a friend of mine drunk and telling jokes. It was quite funny. Then, we listened to music and went on the internet and decided to watch a different movie, My Cousin Vinny because I thought it would keep me awake because it was supposed to be funny. But, then I got another phone call 15 minutes into the movie and again, we listened to a friend of mine tell us jokes. It was funny.

In the end, I fell asleep watching that movie too and movie night was a failure. Oh well. But, it was fun and I had fun kicking it with my homegirl, Cassondra. Sweet shit.

Later

♥