I wonder...

I wonder what it would be like if she found out what I did...
What would she do?
Would she punch me?
Hmmmm...

Nobody puts Ale in the corner!

Let me find a guy to say that and I will...
...
...
...
Laugh so fucking hard.
Most retarded movie ever.

I'm hungry, sleepy, and bored at work.
Save me from my misery.

Did you know that misery is the river of the world, though? I bet you didn't...

This Sunday!!!

924 Gilman Street -- Intronaut (L.A.), Bastard Noise (L.A.), Thousandswilldie, Skin Horse, Devil's Son In Law a/a $8 4pm/5pm

Do you have any idea how excited I am????
I doubt it...

Regret

I told someone yesterday that I never regret. I said it wasn't because I think that I learn from my mistakes (I usually don't), but because it made me the person I am today. The person sitting in front of this computer typing about my shit (wonderful) life. He asked me if I like where I am today. I stopped and thought. I liked a lot of things in my life, but not enough for me to like my life. I said 'no.' That sucks.

I hope this song will guide you...

Am I retarded? Does shit follow me everywhere?
Why? Why? Why? WHY????
Why me?
What did I do to deserve all this shit on me?
I hate this.
All I want to do is drink and forget.
Why does everyone bring it up?
Why do people bring it up?
Why am I still hung up on how I'm treated when I know he's an asshole?
Why do I allow myself to be this way?
I'm retarded.

Hate me, please.

..I'm hated the most...

Hate me, please.
Please hate me.
It will justify my sadness.
It will justify my wants.
It will justify my hate.

Please. Please. Please.

I deserve amazing...
I never wanted amazing...

Always Remember...

I guess this weekend will be fun. Shit isn't going to go down. I'm positive of that. There is nothing wrong with anything anymore. Everything is going fine. It's nice to be at a happy medium. I don't like anyone and no one likes me. It's better this way because then no one gets fucked in the end. You know? No extremes anymore. How nice.

In other news, I'm addicted to pizza.

Wow...

I cannot believe that my thoughts, my beliefs have pissed off someone so much that they don't want to be my friend. Wow! Who knew that basing my beliefs on historical evidence would get me to be disliked by someone I thought was my friend. Oh well. Guess there is no such thing as the saying, "agree to disagree" in his mind. Retarded.

In other news and shit...

. .
.. ..
... ...
.... ....
..... .....
...... ......
....... .......
...... ......
..... .....
.... ....
... ...
.. ..
. .

I don't know. My life is boring right now. I'm neither heart broken nor depressed nor diseased. Hahahaha.... Ehmmmmm.... I'm turned on by almost anything that moves. Is that weird? Eh... Whatever.

Oh! My band has a name. We're called KURU. We sound crusty. We're like medium speed. I like us. We have a badass name and badass songs. Sounds like a party.

Could've/Would've/Should've

((The realization that things just will not go my way is clear. I'm happy to have realized that. I am sad to admit to it.))

Jeez...

Everything is actually going well. How could this be? I can't wait for all these things to happen. I'm going to have a lot of fun next weekend.
Friday night is Cattle Decapitation!!!!! It's going to be amazing! I'm sure it will. I'm not the biggest fan, but I have a feeling that the show is going to be crazy! Saturday night is Iron Lung/Extortion/Lack of Interest/In Disgust/Godstomper/California Love/CARvsLOS!!!! It's going to be amazing. I cannot wait to see how the show ends up going. I'm sure it will be be amazing. I have a feeling that everything is going to go really well for that show. We are making food for the show, so that shouldn't be that bad. I can't wait actually! =) Sunday, I get to go to a photoshoot. I can't wait! I'm not having pictures taken of me, but my friend is. It's going to be really fun. I can't wait to see how Carlos does with the pictures and I can't wait to see how my friend models!

I think I am really inspired by everyone now. I really want to start collaging again. I really enjoyed doing that and now I have a brand new Exacto-Knife set! =) I'm going to buy a bunch of magazines and art books for the collage. I have so many ideas stuck in my brain. I have ideas for songs and rants and collages and writings. I think it's because I'm not stuck on my own self-pity anymore. HAHAHA! I kinda suck, if you haven't noticed already. It happens when you think too highly of yourself before someone finally checks you and you have to look at yourself for who you really are. Oh well. I'm happy for everyone now and for everything! I lot has changed for me in the last week. It's weird. I guess it's ok.

Loves,
Alejandra

Last Night

Wow, so far this weekend just blows. I'm not stoked at all about anything. I failed a fucking driving test. I got drunk. I loved the bands. I fought with people though. I went home crying on Cassondra and saying sorry to Marcus. Eventful, huh? I barely ever cry, by the way. Let alone in public. Then, at 5am, I had a conversation through text and that sucked too. Saying sorry doesn't fix a lot when you repeat your behavior all the time and treat me like shit. Oh well.

Tonight is the Babyland show. I'm stoked about that one because Absence is playing! Absence is a badass band. They played at the December Bastards show. They're sick. You should go. It's at Gilman tonight.

Heads of meeting today. When will the club treat me like a co-head of booking? Maybe today. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe never. Oh well.

I'm giving up on a lot right now. It's best to leave me be.

I'm trying...

To be your goddamn friend!!!!

I'm not down with this.

From: Fiz
Date: Jan 9, 2009 10:12 AM

Rposted from a repost:
i ripped this off of my friend ben's blog. this is fucked up. just read.

"First night of tour.

(friends please read)

So I am not usually one to post personal shit on myspace but I really wanted to let my friends know about some shit that happened that has been bothering me the past few days.

Our first day of tour we played in Oakland at some warehouse. The show seemed rad enough at first. I was enjoying all the thrashy/punk bands that had played so far. I realized off the bat this wasn't the normal crowd we play to but that was fine with me because I love playing to new people we usually don't play to. Shit started to go downhill once Dogs of Ire started to play. They are friends of our good friends in restrained so i was excited to see them/meet all of them. About two songs into their set, a group of assholes started pelting them with half full beer cans just because they weren't like the rest of the bands on the bill. This continued to happen their whole set but they stuck it out and played on. We were up next and I was expecting about the same reaction but i wasn't too concerned. Two songs into our set, I was explaining on of our songs and I started talking about how in Richmond, only miles away from the venue, a woman was gang raped by four men purely based on the fact that she was a lesbian. While I was talking about this, we started getting showered with beer cans and people yelling "shut up faggots" and other things along those lines. I was blown away that even though we weren't these guys usual type of band, they felt they need to start giving us shit the instant i started talking about a women being gang raped. The whole rest of our set we were pelted with half full beer cans, cushions, beer boxes, etc... After we were done, we started to load up and i figured the whole ordeal was over. I was walking outside right in front of several of the dudes from dogs of ire when i heard yelling. i turned around to see about 20 of these trash metal dorks seig heiling the guys in dogs of ire and i heard multiple people yelling "gooks". Keep in mind, the dudes from dogs of ire are asian americans so it was obvious what was going on. Needless to stay, a scuffle broke out between us and them but it was broken up fairly quick. Then these guys were yelling about how we were all "PC nazi's" and continued to seig heil and yell "gook" and "faggots". Seeing as there was 10 or so of us total, and about 30- 40 of them we just all packed up and left after that. It turns out that some of the guys in the group that were instigating all this shit were members of the band Annihilation Time.

I just wanted to write about this a.) out of frustration that this kind of shit still happens at punk rock shows. b.) that it is tolerated. c.) to let everyone know, who they are supporting when they support Annhilation Time.

I am just waking up so if any of this is incoherent or misspelled i apologize. I will probably go through this later and add more but i just wanted to let my friends know about what was going on. Thanks for reading.

=============================

I am not down for this. People say that racism barely exists in the scene, but from being a booker and having friends in bands with people of color in them, I know that closet racism and overt racism are very much real and alive in the scene. It bums me out, but does not surprise me that this happened in Oakland. I just hope that this incident opens people's eyes to the reality that the scene is not as un-racist as people believe it to be. Sure, some people may say that my comments and the story above are "PC" and I'm taking a joke the wrong way, but when you experience racism outside the scene and have to tolerate this 'joking' racism just because you are from a different country or have different color skin, then I don't stand for that. I am sorry if you feel offended by what I have to say, but I do not tolerate that kind of shit. Calling people gooks and faggots because they are talking about issues that are actually important and not about your own problems and partying does not mean that you are cool and that it is ok to say these things. It sucks. Most 'all-white' bands don't have to deal with half the shit that people of color have to deal with in this scene SOMETIMES. I am really upset about this. It pisses me off. I'm not the most "PC" person in this world, but this just makes me really angry to see that this happened to friends of a friend. Makes me think what would happen if I booked a similar show. But, now I realize why I am in booking and why I promote the shows that I do promote. Fuck racist scumbags. I'm not down with this at all. It's embarrassing how our scene is being represented. I like the Bay Area scene a lot. It's just sad to see that ignorant assholes still do stupid shit like that.

It's nice...

...To be happy again. Everything went well today. First day of my Human Sexuality class and one of our fieldtrips will be to Good Vibrations! Sweet shit!

I got new ink today while I was waiting for a homie to bring by my posters that I left in his car. It took him forever to get here! Anyway, my new tattoo is hella sick. It was done by Chris. He's hella chill and I highly recommend going to him. He works at Industrial and some other place in Castro Valley. Anyway, I got Man Is The Bastard skulls on my back. I love them, but I'm going to feel retarded at the Bastard Noise show. Oh well.

Is this what it's like?

Is this what it's like when your whole heart and mind hate your body and its desires? Is this what it's like to be consumed with something so against everything you ever believed? Most of my morals from my youth have been thrown out the window. I have nothing left to hold onto.

My dreams are filled with ghastly images and fantasies that mirror this reality. They feel horrible. It's awful not to be able to escape reality even in your dreams. My dreams show me what I've done. They show me how I am now. They show me everything that I hate about myself.

Guilt is a detestable feeling. I feel guilty about various things that I have done in my past. Guilt mirrors regret and I think I've learned to regret.

Damn.

Life got weird.

I woke up yesterday. I had little sleep. I went to work. I read my book. I watched TV. I drank. I texted. I called. I watched movies. Rode in the early morning down the highway.

My dream came true. I don't mean like my goal-dream. I mean my actual dream from when I was sleeping came true.

Fucking crazy.

Stop Staring...

...At My Tits!

Or if you are gonna stare, don't be so obvious.

It's only ok to do that (be obvious) if you are one of the following:

-Future boyfriend/lover (I actually have an obvious interest in you)
-Current boyfriend/lover
-Past boyfriend/lover (has to have ended on good terms.)


Ok?????

2am

I just got back from Ramen. Shit was not worth paying $7. Luckily, I have connections and don't have to pay to get in. (Un)lucky me. Anyway, the Mentors played tonight. I think I'm over shock rock. I was hella down to see them because of all the videos I've seen before when El Duce was still alive, but watching them now was just depressing and really fucked up. I was disgusted at all their songs. I think it's different to joke about rape every so often then to hear song after song about rape. It made me sick. What made me sicker was this girl that I met took off her clothes on stage and the band made fun of the way she looked. Fucked up. I'm not down for that shit. I'm glad I didn't pay.

There was hella drama tonight. Way too much for me to handle. I hate the way shit happens that way. Drunkness does not bring out the best in people.

Speaking of drunkness, everyone got drunk except me. I didn't. Luckily, I know how to drive and drove Cassondra and me home in Marinda's car after stopping by a taco truck in the middle of the night in Richmond. Cassondra and Marinda were freaking everyone out at the taco truck. It was hilarious. I've never seen anyone so scared of a bloody finger before in my life. But, then again Marinda was asking if she had finger fucked a girl on her period that night and was wondering if that's why her finger was bloody. Creeps some people out. Not me.

Anyway, I guess I should sleep. Cassondra is passed out in my bed and I'm listening to powerviolence.

Loves,
Alejandra

Spazz - Sweatin' to the Oldies

Spazz was an influential American power violence band active between 1992 and 2000. The trio released numerous records within this time, many of which are now highly collectible due to their relative rarity. The band's releases often showcased their unusual sense of humour: absurdly long and nonsensical song titles, audio samples from b-movies and kung fu films between songs and the occasional use of hip hop beats as well as saxophones, banjos and other instruments rarely associated within hardcore punk. All three of the members shared vocal duties, usually changing in sequence from line to line.

I'm lame. I got the above from Wikipedia!

'Sweatin' to the Oldies' by Spazz is one of my favorite CDs. Unfortunately, this is in mp4 format which sucks. Anyway, this CD is badass. Spazz is one of the best powerviolence bands there ever was. I listen to them a lot. They rule. Buy the CD if you can. If you can't just download it, foo!

Download Here

Loves,
Alejandra

Not good enough...

It's not good enough to be this way.
I'm not good enough for most people.
I'm not a random fuck.
I refuse to be that.
But, I'm not good enough for anything more.
I'm not good enough for half the world.
I'm not a good enough daughter to my family.
I think I'm failing in life.
Family life that is.
I love them all.
They sorta love me.
I hate myself for what I've become.
But, then again, I am me and I love myself for being me.
Contradictions.

I should go back to the hole that I crawled out from to become reborn into someone stronger, beautiful, and more intelligent. I wish I was this way. Oh well. 'God' gave me the short end of the stick.

On another note, I've been listening to a bunch of PowerViolence and Grind. It is most important that everyone listen to the following seeing as how I have been listening to these bands non-stop:

1. Man is the Bastard (as always and forever)
2. Cripple Bastards
3. Discordance Axis
4. Uzi Suicide
5. Unholy Grave (as always and forever)
6. Spazz
7. Excruciating Terror
   
8. And many more....

You should listen to those basic ones. They are amazing. I'm buying a million fucking records soon. It will be amazing.

They are:

ECONOCHRIST - Another Victim 7"
ECONOCHRIST - Skewed 7"
ICONOCLAST - the first 7"
50/50 - s/t 7"
AGENTS OF SATAN - 7" (10 songs)
ARTIMUS PYLE - Fortress 7"
BLOODY PHOENIX - War, Hate & Misery LP
BRUTAL DEATH - 7"
CONGA FURY/GEORGE HARRISON - split 7"
DESOLATION - Demos 7"
DOUBLE NEGATIVE - Raw Energy 7"
ENDLESS DEMISE/SLAUGHTER OF THE INNOCENTS - split 7"
EXCRUCIATING TERROR - live at Gilman 7"
GODSTOMPER -7" (9 songs)
GODSTOMPER/BARBARIAN LORD - split 7"
GRIMPLE - Grimple 7"
HATRED SURGE/THE ENDLESS BLOCKADE - split LP
RON LUNG - Demonstrations... 7"
IRON LUNG - Life. Iron Lung. Death. LP
KYLESA - Kylesa LP
LIMP WRIST - Want Us Dead 7"
LOCUST/MELT BANANA - split 7"
MELT BANANA - 666 6"
NOISEAR/MAGNICIDE - split 7"
PHOBIA - Grind Your Fucking Head In LP
POISON IDEA - Latest Will And Testament LP
SCHOLASTIC DETH - Revenge... 7"
SCHOLASTIC DETH - Revolution... 7"
SPAZZ/LACK OF INTEREST - split 7"
SPAZZ/BRUTAL TRUTH - split 7"
SUPERBAD - s/t 7"
TOTAL ABUSE - s/t LP
TOTAL FURY - Committed To The Core 10"
UNHOLY GRAVE - Raw Slaughter 7"
UNHOLY GRAVE - Unholy Bastards 7"
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? - 1st 7"
DECIDE ON CHANGE - comp LP
EL GUAPO - comp LP
REALITY #1 - comp 7"
REALITY #2 - comp LP


As you can tell... I'm a 7" whore. I love 7" the most.

I hate people...

Everyday I fester and brood on how much people disgust me. I can only handle my core group of friends. They are the only ones that I can look at and not feel an ounce of disgust for.

It's not that people are bad and it's not that I don't like my friends. It's just that most everyone I meet has some annoying quality I despise. It's not their fault. It just bugs me. I hate that it bugs me.

I'm purely anti-social. I don't talk to people. I can't talk to people unless I know them, feel comfortable in my environment, or am intoxicated. It's really bad. I just don't understand why. I've become severely anti-social in the past... well, day. I've been out more times this last week than I every have in my life. I feel awkward in situations that I shouldn't feel awkward in. I want so bad not to look at the negative side of everything and hate people. I want so bad not to be quiet. I want so bad to get to know people so that I don't judge them on superficial levels.

But...

People disgust me and I sorta hate them.

*Most likely if you've read this and I know you, I probably don't hate you. I just mean with a lot of people I meet. Eh... This is going to be hard to explain to those who read it and think I hate them when in all actuality I think they are badass. Oh well. I guess I shouldn't have generalized.

It's unfortunate, but somewhat cool...

...that I just dropped hella money on records this week.

New ones are:

• La Grita "Nuestra Hambre" 7" -- AMAZING (free) Clear
• ADT LP -- AMAZING (free).
• Total Fury "Ears Go Deaf" LP --Special Tour edition. Limited press to 500.
• Broken Needle "Consume" Lp
• Dropdead LP -- Limited self-titled record. 257 pressed. Clear
• EyeHateGod "Dope Sick" LP -- AMAZING
• Godstomper/Gorgonized Dorks 10" -- PINK VINYL!!!!!
• Severed Head of State "Power Hazard ep" -- Cool shit!
• Capitalist Casualties/Hellnation split LP -- FAVORITE!!!!
  

Yeah... I think that's a lot.

I love them either way.

I Think...

I think I've become someone I've always hated.

I've always hated people who didn't care enough about the current state of the world to actually move forward and do some actions to help make the world a better place no matter how futile the actions may appear to be. I've become the girl who is all talk and no action. I've become apolitical in my actions. I haven't even continued my reading in political theory! I do, however, continue to read current events books and such. But, that isn't saying much considering how I was in the past.

Speaking of books, I'm not reading as much anymore. This is what I hate most about myself. I hate that I cannot sit still and read for hours and hours as I have in the past. This is the most upsetting part of myself. I loved to read and now I fidget constantly when I sit to read or I read crappy memoirs of narcissistic writers who have horrible lives. I hate myself for that.

Those may seem to be two minor things, but they hurt me deeply. I hate myself for becoming this new person. I prided myself on having these two qualities that were rare in someone as young as 11-years old. I will force myself to become this person again. I love reading. There is nothing greater than to read for hours and hours by yourself and thinking of nothing but the story. I won't hate myself for these reason anymore. I will read again. I will be political again. There are other things to hate about myself that are less important and more trivial.

=(

I kinda hate myself for putting myself into situations that bring back good memories that I feel nostalgic and somewhat embarrassed by. This is how I felt today. Sucks. I don't think I hate those places as much as I hate myself for letting the past still control my present.

At least I am looking toward the future.

So, I need to get some nerve and step out of my shell when I am around real people. Behind the screen of my computer and cellphone, I am able to say and do whatever I want. I have no fear. The minute I step into the real world, I clam up and become wary and uncomfortable with my surroundings. This is life for me. I find that the only way I can open up is if I am somewhat intoxicated or if I've known you for a while. It's worse when I like the person.

I feel bad about that too. I wanted to spend more time with this one guy before school started. Bummer that it starts tomorrow for him. Oh well.

Loves,
Alejandra

You Down?

Dear Blogger,

Life has been a roller coaster. I don't mean in a bad way, it's just that everything goes in extremes for me. I am extremely happy with everything that is going on, but one crappy occurrence or situation makes my stomach sick. I don't feel that way now. It's just an observation.

Am I weird? Or is this the reality for everyone? I'm sure I am not alone in this. I am so passionate about a lot of things that I invest myself too much in things. I put my heart and soul into whatever I care about. Same goes for close friends. I've only been fucked over a few times.

Speaking of friends, I found out, not too long ago, that one of my childhood friends prostituted herself for money and drugs. It's weird. She was the one that almost died of alcohol poisoning in the 6th grade. It's crazy. It bums me out hella, but her mom was the one that said I was fucked up. Look who got their shit together? It still bums me out though. I remember that she used to wish she was poor. She had a pool and hot tub.

I actually was poor when I met her. My family was borderline homeless. Without my aunt living in the US, we would have been on the streets. Eh... Happens. Anyway, this girl always said how poor she was and when I went shopping with her and her mom once, my mom let me have $40 to buy "back to school clothes." This girl bought hella clothes at Abecrombie and Norstrom's. She said that we should get matching belts. I was down. Except it cost $40. I had to ask her mom for a little bit of money. I bought it and had no money to buy anything else. I still have that stupid belt. This girl stopped using it after 3 months because it went out of fashion.

I have no idea why I brought that up. I think it just describes how I was in Elementary school. I was bullied and ditched. This girl was my best friend and ditched me for the girls that bullied me because they were more popular. Bummer.

Ok, so this just ended up being a rant. Oh well. What will it hurt?
2009 is our year!

Loves,
Alejandra
"The mouth is the asshole of the brain."
Or in this case, the fingers are the asshole of the brain.

Holy Shit!!!!

Yesterday night was fucking sick!!!!!!
Pictures up fairly soon!
Feliz Año Nuevo!!!!!

It's 'Año' not 'Ano.' Ano means anus.


Go to this show, foo!!!! Tomorrow!!! It's gonna be sick!