...was so fucked up last night. I dreamed about being in a school/airport thing. It was really weird. I can't remember a lot of it, but I do remember that I had to change into another outfit because I was going somewhere special. My father and sister were there. We started looking for a bathroom for me to go and change in. All of them were full or nasty looking. Finally, we found one. I went inside and people were cleaning it. It was weird. I went inside a stall. It had a shower in it. I got undressed and I can't remember why I went outside the stall, but I did. I walked out completely naked. Then, I saw people that I knew. It was so embarrassing. They started laughing at me. They started saying really mean things too. It was weird and kinda sad. I don't think I would be that embarrassed if someone saw me naked. Then again there is only one guy that has seen me completely naked so I'm not sure how I would react if someone saw me naked right now. Weird.
On another note, I think either I'm going fucking crazy or I drive other people crazy. Am I neurotic? Maybe. But, nothing that I really write on here about my thoughts and feelings do I really express in reality. It's the fucked part of myself. I don't confront people and I usually want the best for people and when I first meet you, I'm really shy and won't really go up to you. I try to find the best in someone even when they're fucked. They are my curses. Well, I think I just fucked someone up without saying anything out of the ordinary for me. Either I'm really mean or this person's kinda out there. Weird. I think I'm nice when I first meet someone, but I could be wrong...
I'm in a really good mood today. I mean, despite the fact that I had a weird ass dream and so much cleaning to do.
Quote from my past: "I'm not the one for you. I'm not right for you."
Two people have said that to me and oddly enough they are complete opposites of each other, personality-wise at least. Weird. So, if they aren't right for me, then who is?
My curses:
- Being young in an old world
- Making people go a little crazy. Not on purpose.
- Letting my emotions control me.
- Not telling people what hurts me.
- Telling people they fucking suck when they really don't.
- Focusing too much on my #2 that I haven't had in a whole entire month.
- Falling for those that I can't have.
I remember when I had my heart broken for the first time. I loved this boy so much. More than you can ever imagine. I still love him. He is the most amazing person in the world. Anyway, he told me we could never be together because:
- I was too young.
- We were too far from each other.
- He wasn't right for me.
- He didn't want to hurt me.
Funny thing is I started liking a guy a while before that who said the same thing to me and I started having feelings for a lover who said that to me in my more present life. I think I have a pattern of choosing the wrong person because in the end they do hurt me. Oh well. I'm so passed being sad and angry right now that I've become numb. It's weird. Oh well.
This blog is retarded. I hope I fucking never write a blog like this again.
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